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Who am I?

Is it just a phase

or a disease

Things have changed

but only in my head

nothings the same

the world is still spinning

but my head tells me it’s tumbling

what a fucking liar

I want it back

Am I laughing

or is it just the head on these shoulders

that are supposed to be mine

it’s like a grey veil

put in a feeling

sometimes i forget it

and it vanishes

but then it hits me again

like a cold iron dirk

It feeds from my fears

I want to fight it.

Can I? Will I?

I know who I am

but at the same time I don’t

Am I alone?

Sometimes it’s like

I am an empty house

but other times it’s like

Someone inside me got exchanged

like a shadow scaring you in the dark

like a stranger you don’t want in your house

I will build my own light

I will create it inside my heart, my soul

I will reconquer myself.

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Myself

I want to make my own experiences

make my own mistakes

find my own truth

my own opinion

cry my own tears

laugh my own laughter

set my own boundaries

set myself free

express myself

kiss with my own lips

and cry with my own eyes

scream with my own mouth

in luck

and in pain

be a person, who knows who they are

have my own anger

and my own love

I want to meet people

and let people go

make my own memories

and my own legacy

I want to find myself

create myself

keep myself

and know myself

My federate

This place is toxic
I can’t tell what to do about it
It’s crawling inside my head
under my skin
poisons me
makes me vulnerable 
everything you say
I am building a wall
right in front of you
you won’t be able to reach for my soul, change me
Change me! Just go for it. Congratulations, you already succeeded 
You will see it only puts another brick on my wall

One time it’ll be a fortress and I won’t give you the key
That’s why I fell for him                  
He helps me forget about the stones
This cold, aching feeling inside me
He warms my soul
my heart, my mind
He makes me feel like theres nothing to be ashamed of
neither my broken mind, nor my injured pride
He heals it, takes care of it, accepts it
I gave him the key a long time ago

because he’s no false friend.            no enemy 
he’s my federate

Twisted Souls

We are forced to live together            I know you can’t help it                   But sometimes I can’t fucking stand you

The way you talk                              The way you raise your eyebrow Only the way you look at me           Or don’t look at me                              It makes me furious

I know deep in your soul you’re a good man                                       But everything I see are arrogant eyes                                                       I’d like them                                          If they weren’t so cold

I wish you smiled at me more often Maybe it’d be easier for me to smile at you                                            Expect nicer things to come out of your mouth                                     Than blaming and critics                     

I know sometimes you try              But then I can’t see it                      And treat you as usual               Regret it when I lie in bed          Alone with my thoughts

Sometimes I dream of you as a kind, loving human                                         I know it’s the deep wish of my soul To get along with you                Maybe even trust you             Without having the fear of being judged by you

We have our moments                 They make me see you                       In a different way                         Make me be comfortable with you But the routines of the day     Destroy everything

Remind me of your every day face Your every day attitude                      It makes me sick.                              The way you don’t understand me Are you not able to or do you just refuse to?

I cant tell.

I know you will never be an empathetic person and             Maybe people like you                   And people like me                      Aren’t meant to work together      But I know we will get by somehow

And after all                                       We need to work out a happy ending. Together.                               Or it will break down at the end Burying us into regrets and haunting thoughts